We both looked at each other and the mess and decided to move to the next empty table to continue eating our dinner. Not long after the spill a cleaning lady appeared out of nowhere and began to clean up the spill. I looked at my friend and then at the cleaning lady mopping the floor. Nothing was said, however in my mind there seemed to be more than just silence going on between the three of us at that moment. I thought to myself that we were the only patrons sitting at tables and the cleaning lady might have made reference to the mess and my friends half empty drink. My friend and I continued on without appologising or showing any sign that we contributed to the mess. The cleaning lady is of course paid to clean up mess and in a way we had given her something to do.
I related to earlier times in my life when mum would get angry at us children causing her more work when we occasionaly made spills such as these. I looked at my friend and she seemed to be unperturbed about the incident however I couldn't help but sense some invisible forces at work between the three of us.
Mostly children are invited to clean up their own mess or at least attempt that task in the process of learning to be careful and think about what they are doing at the dinner table. I thought it interesting that my friend did not move her position or view from her dinner, she appeared to ignore the cleaning lady mopping the mess that just happened.
In a way I think we as adults decided quite logically to move tables and avoid the sticky mess to get on with our eating however we chose the least line of responsibility too. In the silence between us and the cleaning lady I sensed a certain amount of tension. Was this only in my head?
I asked my friend later what was going on for her at that time and she said nothing. I didn't get a chance to ask the cleaning lady who was obviously at the end of her shift what she was thinking about the spilled mess. Maybe she was thinking about something completely removed from the incident, I just don't know.
The interesting thing for me was that I was considering all manner of scenarios including guilt and rebelliousness on behalf of my friend, scorn and judgement on behalf of the cleaning lady and my own impartial observation (bystander) to the whole affair.
In the end I agreed privately to myself there was more going on in the Relational Silence than just "nothing" and that sometimes, I might think way too much. Which brings me to a joke that my brother told once. He held his hands on his head and swivelled his hips to and fro in empty space asking what does this mean? Well no one could answer him and at the right punch line moment he said "fucking nothing".
Kenoath
25 comments:
Relational silence and spilling things. Very, very interesting to me, Kenoath. I "spill things" all the time. All sorts of things go through my head about the silence until someone comments. Things like this: "That was too much information, wasn't it?" or -- "I really look like a complete nutter this time, don't I?" or -- "Maybe I was doing the right thing when I was keeping things inside."
Another place that silence is hard is therapy. All sorts of things go through my head then, too. Sometimes I resent it and it becomes a battle of wills. (Or that is what it seems to ME. He says he just doesn't want to stop me by talking too much when he thinks I'm about to say something.)
Silence in certain situations is very interseting. Good topic, Kenoath.
I like what you say about the silence in therapy Lynn. Yes that can be challenging I know.
It seems that there is much more being "said" between two or more people in those silent moments.
I think Graffiti did a blog about communication where he stated that 5% of communication is verbal and 95% is happening underneath the surface. I forget who he was quoting.
kenoath
k
I agree with what you say ken,
many times I remain quiet just because I split.... and the reason could be any thing.
M
Good post kenoath.
I like that term - Relational silence.
Do you know the woman pushing the mans head to the floor
Graffiti
No I don't know that woman Graffiti. Seems as though she treats her man much like a dog. I would be even less inclined to treat dogs that way let alone humans.
I am not sure whether I have inadvertently ripped off someone elses saying regarding Relational Silence. If not, I claim it as my own.
kenoath
kenoath
Yes Maryam, it could be anything as you say or something. In the case of my brothers joke it meant both: "fucking nothing"
kenoath
who is the woman in the last photo of the series Kenoath?
She looks very ugly to me.
maryam.
Yes she does look a bit over done doesn't she Maryam. It is Courtney Love, however I can't help but think that she has had her ears digitally altered in some way. In other words someones tampered with the photo.
k
Kenoath.
I really liked this post.
I find silence hard at times, easy at others.
Also makes me think of how difficult I find it at work with this one particular cleaner.
There is this guy whose job it is to wash down the main stairs (about 50 steps.) He does it on his hands and knees with a bucket and cloth.
He cleans during the day and it is really uncomfortable to effectively tramble over all of his work whilst he is in the middle of doing it; if that makes sense? Like I'm disrespecting him.
Strange really, because he might think nothing of it and its me just thinking too much.
It's not that bad to talk behind her back kenoath especially when I do misspellings myself.
Yes, she has such a huge ears!and strange lips. And she looks kind of overdosed.
m.
I wonder why he does that job in the middle of the day Kahless? Maybe he wishes to make others feel guilty and at the same time he can feel important?
I found your comment also very interesting.
k
"I am not sure whether I have inadvertently ripped off someone elses saying regarding Relational Silence. If not, I claim it as my own."
I just Googled "relational silence" and found nothing related.
It is rather like negative space in a two or three dimnsional plain to me. Cheers
Hadn't thought of it like that.
Though my natural reaction is to defend him(!) you may be right. mmm.
Good to hear from you Dad. By the way Bob is my father.
I too googled relational silence Bob and there is such a concept called Mobilization and Silence in reference to the emotional dynamics in relations. Sometimes saying nothing (silence) can have a very powerful affect in the relationship. So much that another person might make certain decisions coerced by that silence.
So Bob, for now I will claim Relational Silence as a Kenoath term. Thanks for googling that and saying so.
How is the painting going?
kenoath
There is so much going on it seems, just by walking down the stairs.
I like what Bob said Kahless
"It is rather like negative space in a two or three dimensional plane"
Could also be positive in that case, such as love.
k
It's a strange feeling to read your father comment on your blog Kenoath.
I assume if mine was alive,... I don't know what would he do.
Enjoy it
Maryam.
My Dad is cool Maryam. Feel free to chat with him if you wish. Doesn't feel strange for me.
kenoath
Thanks Kenaoth.
Maryam.
Hi Ken,
I wonder what would you have been thinking if the positions had been changed - if you were cleaning up their mess - what would you have been feeling and thinking?
I don't know - perhaps that's where secrets may lie...
Ohh by the way - G'day
...Roses
Ohh my goodness Ken! Is this an Australian site? The time on the comment i made is only a couple of hours earlier than the actual time here.
Gosh! That's a bit exciting! Ooo that's really exciting!
Roses...
Hi Roses, my blog is set to Western Australian Standard Time.
kenoath
Some silences are cruel.
Yes Lynn, silences can be powerful. I will be breaking my blog silence soon.
k
How soon Kenoath?
Kenoath,
Not sure that you pick up on old comments, but maybe that doesn't matter.
But I wanted to share with you that tonight, yes I really felt relational silence. Felt it in its strongest terms; the relational silence between myself and my therapist.
The silence that said 'I wont be coming back to see you again.'
I know we both felt it simultaneously. Acknowledged it when we looked at eachother. But as yet, it still remains unspoken.
Yes, I really like that term, relational silence.
Kahless.
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