Apology Not

In my older age I have come to appreciate the good sense in making formal apologies when for some reason that becomes appropriate. Saying sorry does seem to diffuse situations that would otherwise escalate resentment and friction. It makes sense to find win-win situations for my own and others benefit. It’s ok to apologize.

I remember when at high school a maths teacher whacked me across the face with a one metre wooden blackboard ruler. I was in class sitting back in my chair having finished the work before anyone else. She asked me to get on with it and to wipe that smug look off my face. I replied “but I have finished Mrs Storer”. For some reason she was very angry and broke the ruler over my head. I remember walking out of the class and demanding the deputy headmaster to deal with the assault. I said to him that I would not go back into that class without an apology from her and I was going to call the cops. I never did get that apology and instead I was put up into the advanced maths class. The situation was unresolved and without an apology.

I learned from that incident that it was ok for me not to apologize if I didn’t want to. “If they don’t apologize why should I?” Similarly children learn "not to apologize” from parenting situations gone wrong. Parents can be stubborn by maintaining their unbending positions by dishing out punishments they think fit the circumstances. Regardless whether the punishments are appropriate or not children can view these situations as unfair.

Children over time develop the belief that unfairness rules their world and then defend their position by digging in. Injustice rules the lives of many children growing into their teenage years and developing trench warfare seems to become a viable option for many.

Life in the trenches is precarious at the best of times. The western front soldiers from the relative safety of their trench would make occasional attacks on the enemy and then slip back into the trench. War was fought long and hard in this manner.

Trench warfare has its benefits for teenagers because so many of them are fighting in this manner. Teenagers have their different stories of glory to share with each other and thus in a group process reinforce taking such positions. Unfortunately trench warfare is slow moving and sometimes means being stuck in there for a very long time.



Some teenagers I know refuse to conform by apologizing even though juvenile justice teams have directed them to do so. Some students refuse to write apologies to their school even though it means expulsion if they choose not to.

One teenager recently hacked into the schools administrator’s computer and disabled 400 computers for nearly one week. Obviously he is an extremely intelligent young man with his sights set on a career in the defense force. So why does he refuse to apologize?

In some cases teenagers find the best way they know, to organize the chaos in his life by staying in control. A young man may exhibit a high degree of intelligence through his various skills however the gulf between emotional intelligence and intellectual intelligence can be vast as they accelerate into adult life. It is very difficult for the teenager to deal with perceived injustices and hurts over the years by conforming any more. Similarly, a teenager senses overwhelming feelings with all their years of conforming, that they must remain in control for fear of a psychic annihilation. In a way the teenager needs to find a way to become a super hero unto himself to survive. Apologizing for his indiscretions is like giving in to his grief and ultimate destruction by the enemy. 

He or she lights up with defiance in the face of life changing elements and refuses to apologize. These options can be indeed be life changing for many young boys and girls. It is important to validate and understand the teenager through these precarious times.  It is sad and difficult for parents dealing with the extreme nature of the teenagers "digging in".  When practical concerns highlight the need for children to apologise for their indescretions sometimes there is not enough time to do so. When apologies are due tomorrow and the child is under pressure to conform, it is much easier for them to be defiant.

Ken